SHOCK TREATMENT

"You owe me seventy-three pence," Ted shouted as Julia was rushing out the door for work.

She still couldn't believe he could be so petty. They had been married for 27 years and he was still asking her to pay for a newspaper and some stamps. Fancy demanding such a trifling amount from your wife! She tore open her handbag and took out her bulging purse. Then threw a pound coin at him with as much force as she could muster. Ted caught it easily and laughed as Julia slammed the door behind her.

She was still fuming when she pushed past the old woman who was so slow getting on the bus. Here she was with a more important job than his, she earned more money than he did, and it was her money being put away for their retirement, not his. She oversaw the accounts department and him - well, she supposed being a sales manager was better than being unemployed, but ...

The journey to the office was as slow as usual. The traffic was solid, as were the heads of the silly schoolgirls around her. Fancy being so vain that combing your hair a different way was a major topic of conversation.

Instead of listening, Julia amused herself with thoughts about how she could get back at Ted. She could put cigarette burns in the front of all his shirts - but she didn't smoke. She could pour paint over his car - but that was overkill. She could hide his list of lottery numbers - no, but it did give her an excellent idea. Yes, suddenly she knew how she was going to get her own back.

---ooOoo---

Ted got himself ready. Today was going to be a light day, just right for a Friday. His first appointment was not until 10.30 and he could spin that out so that the company paid for lunch. Then there was another at 2.30. He would be home by 4.30 and that would give him plenty of time to have a bath and get changed before he cooked the evening meal, spaghetti bolognese, Julia's favourite.

Thinking about Julia reminded him of their tiff this morning. It was she who insisted that they keep separate accounts when they got married. They had always split the bills like mortgage, telephone, etc., down the middle, even though he earned less than she did. He did not mind that, but what really upset him was when he realised that he was paying for everything else as well. It had taken him years to see that those little trips she sent him on to buy a newspaper or some nail varnish remover had nothing to do with him doing something for her. They were just so that she did not have to pay for these incidentals.

At first, she protested her innocence, even offering to pay on a few occasions, but it was with such ill will. Even these pretenses stopped eventually, so he made a point of asking her for the money each time. She hated being caught out as much as he hated being taken for a fool.

Ted could feel his temper rising whilst he thought about it. This was no way to meet a client so, to calm himself down, he filled in his lottery form. That always made him feel good. He always used the same numbers, which, even though he knew them, he copied off the note pinned next to the telephone. It was a ritual that he was sure would bring him luck one day. One day his numbers would come up, and then she would get a shock ... but in truth, Ted knew he would never win.

However, the gentle walk to the newsagent and the pleasant chat with the lad behind the counter restored his usual good humour. He bought some smarties which he gave, with her mother's permission, to the little girl in the pushchair who always smiled at him so sweetly when they met in the shop. He petted their dog too and was rewarded with a wagging tail and a sloppy lick.

---ooOoo---

The following night, Saturday, they were booked in for a quiz night at a local pub. They usually went to these events with the Holdens. Julia liked them because they went to every quiz night going. Their general knowledge complemented hers, and they enjoyed playing up to Julia putting Ted down for his lack of education. But it was to be a special put-down tonight.

Julia had rung up the publican and asked her to give out Ted's numbers as if they were the lottery result. At first, the woman was reluctant, but Julia assured her that it was just a friendly joke and that Ted would take it in good part. This had been quite good acting from Julia because she was not at all sure what Ted would do. However, one thing she was certain of - it would give her a stick with which to beat Ted for a long time to come.

The first three rounds of the quiz went well. They were lying in second place, but they still had their joker to play and history, their specialist subject, was the first round after the break. Julia sent Ted to the bar to get the drinks.

"Guess what I have done," whispered Julia to the other two once Ted was out of earshot.

Ted did not know what they were laughing about when he returned, but all three were looking at him. After he put the drinks down, he put his hand to flies in case his zip had come down, but no, it was still up. Well, no doubt he would find out soon enough. Instead, he concentrated on his pint whilst the others chatted.

Julia was also getting worried. Time was getting on and the break would soon be over. Maybe the publican had had second thoughts and was now not going to read out the numbers. If so, she would have to wait for another time. That would be a pity.

"Right," shouted the publican, "would you like to return to your seats, please and we will start the next round."

Julia was so downcast. Her plan was about to misfire. Everybody was back in their seats. The room was getting quiet again.

"Oh, I nearly forgot," the publican said. "For those that are interested, the lottery numbers tonight were 7, 23, 24, 36, 48 and 49. The bonus ball was 13, but I hope it was lucky for someone here. Right, now, let's get on with the history round. Does any team want to play its joker?"

Julia was so overjoyed that she nearly forgot to hold up the yellow card with the Joker on it. Those were Ted's numbers. Now she would see what happened.

Ted did not do anything. He just sat there looking into his empty pint mug. He did not seem to hear the questions. Unusually, he let the others fill in the answers.

That's stopped him, thought Julia. I bet the skinflint can't work out what to do. They both sat there for ten minutes without saying a word, each wrapped up in their own thoughts and letting the other two answer the questions.

Eventually, Ted fumbled in his pocket and produced the car keys. Passing them over to her, he whispered in her ear, "I've been having an affair with my secretary for the past five years, and now I'm leaving you."

With that, he got up quietly and walked out of her life forever.

William Safire's Rules for Writers